Missing what was

I am missing my business so much lately. The only place where I came alive for one of the only times in my life, is gone and it feels like I've lost a piece of my soul.

I loved the customers, the kids, the strangers who turned into friends, our conversations and the dream. Because five months later that's what it's fading into; just a dream. I will likely never be a small business owner again because it's becoming clear to me that fear of failure and loss a second time is something I can't risk. To lose a part of my heart after 19 years is something I'm still struggling to grasp.....how I let so much time slip away while on the wrong path.

Finding a job is proving to be much harder than I'd thought and the silence of what's gone just echos around me now. It's spring; there should be excitement for a new season; plans being made and instead there is silence. I let what most refer to as the best years of one's life fade away doing what amounted to nothing and now the emptiness is crushing me.

I wish I could hit replay but it's too late. The piece that completed me is missing and while a shadow is still looking for a job, what made me jump put of bed in the mornings full of enthusiasm to get to work has died. Finally I can say that perhaps it would have been better if I'd never been a small retail shop owner. There is a sadness in my life that I can't fill.

I've lost a piece of my soul

The weather just began getting warmer a few days ago. I'm feeling as if I should be cleaning; getting the store ready to reopen for the upcoming summer season; placing merchandise orders and building new displays, but that's now part of my past. For the last nineteen years all those things took place in March and April, and now for the first time there is an empty space.

I'm looking for a job, and have been ever since the shop closed. I didn't expect to find much available during the winter but now that many businesses are gearing up for the summer there should be plenty of options. Maybe I'll have to work some weekends but likely not all, and that's something most people would want, rather than working every Saturday and Sunday for months as I've done. A day off will likely be a "normal consideration" so the crushing non-stop schedule that had become routine throughout the summer is behind me. There are some great little businesses, amusement parks, and attractions around here and if I'm lucky I'll get to work for some of the long-time local owners....

What I can't find is my passion. That thing that makes you want to jump out of bed in the morning is gone, and along with it, the inspiration that used to flow from  my fingertips as I created art out of odd things and strange items. To me it seemed like magic when it happened - and given that the ability to create and make things had only come to me in the last five years - it was magic. Only in the last several years was a fragmented brain able to function normally, and with it came this incredible sense of being able to carry an idea or a concept for a sculpture or piece of art - for the first time in my life. Before then? I was a shop owner yes, but after struggling for years was still unable to keep focused enough to actually build something....what grew inside of me then now appears to have died with the store.

Even this series of posts and articles, which during the final 90 days was something I craved to write, has become so difficult. What used to pour out of my heart and mind, so urgently in fact that I'd need to capture my feelings by furiously typing on my phone, has fallen silent. The words are labored and no longer run freely, with this being the first time in months that I'm writing. Caught off guard at seeing some old advertising materials and photos of my shop from the past, I'm somehow brought back to this blog today. But what I want is the ability to feel whole again - not just for a fleeting moment - but to have that peace in my spirit.


I have lost a piece of my soul.

Five weeks later.

I'm finally admitting how much I miss this. It seemed I would have posted sooner but the words wouldn't come, and perhaps I was trying to think about moving on instead of looking back. But the honeymoon stage that was new-found freedom from working seven days a week has faded. For the first time in two decades we could accept weekend invitations; sleep in on Saturday and not have to rush out of church on Sundays to open the shop, but that faded fast.

I miss my store, the people, my customers. It seems my creativity that grew there and turned into pieces of art is gone. It will return some time probably, but for now my soul is as empty as a birdcage with an occupant that has left.

My sweet senior friend Miss Doris must have come down to the beach this fall as she always does, but we didn't get to catch up this year. I wonder if her cancer is still in remission. We always had such long, meaningful talks about major events in one's life such as illness, loss, and holding onto hope. She loves her grandchildren so very much and I loved seeing her eyes sparkle when she told me about their latest school events and adventures. Miss Doris isn't part of my life anymore; she wasn't in the shop over the summer so I never got a chance to tell her goodbye or exchange addresses.

So many things I'm experiencing differently now that my life has changed. On November 14th I went to the grocery store for the first time as an unemployed citizen, no longer a small business owner. November 18th was the first church meeting that I attended since April, before the summer season began, and a Thanksgiving without customers and a busy weekend seemed hollow to me.

Silently, one by one, these things tell me that I loved something too much. It's all going to turn into just a memory soon, and those years when my soul came alive and for the first time in my life I was happier than I'd ever been, will fade. It feels as if the snow globe that was my world has shattered. I loved being a part of your lives.

Freeze frame feeling

I've fallen into a crazy state of sluggishness this week, almost as if I don't believe this is happening.  Granted, I am fighting hard to look ahead and take some good things away from this experience and per my post from yesterday, perhaps it's time to focus less on the loss and more on the positive. But right now I'm totally overwhelmed by the rush to sort, pack, throw away and have everything ready for the movers on Thursday.


Given my panic it's a shame I didn't plan better but it feels that the world is in slow motion and I'm barely moving. I have to get this done and so I'm here for another 12-14 hours today....still feeling like I'm trapped in a damaged video, the kind we used to encounter years ago. I'm in that minute as everything starts to blur and slow down to frame-by-frame movement as the VCR grinds to a stop.

#lastdays #storeclosed #momandpopclosing #independentretailer #movingon  #thefinal 90 #deathofasmallbusiness #endofanera #finallyclosed #after35years #itsover #timelapse #closedforever #momandpopclosed #itsablur

My final Saturday

My final Saturday as a small business owner begins.

I'm never going to consider myself less of a person simply because I will work for someone else in the future; it just won't ever be the same. I've loved having the ability to educate, inform and share the message of buying American made products. So many of my customers appreciate that and return because there are standards here and they don't have to question what they purchase.

Sadly, a large segment of those shoppers are older - they are the ones who "get it" when the younger generation  - even those with children couldn't care less. I wish I'd been able to reach them but after all this time I couldn't. This chapter has ended for me and it's time to give up the pursuit. I can't help feeling a little disappointed that there will be one less voice speaking up for the American manufacturers, producers and even local artists who's work we carried. American made products. So many of my customers appreciate that and return because there are standards here and they don't have to question what they are purchasing.

#Americanmade #quality #standards #manufacturing # confectionery #thefinal90 #buyAmerican #standforsomething #principles #MadeInTheUSA #lackofsupport #smallbusiness #sweetshop #belovedicon #local #community #pennycandy #smallstore

Reality creeps in

I think I'm finding some extra confirmation on the dinosaur thing.

.

Since Sunday when I learned of another small business that was closing I've been restless; searching; looking around for some sign that "my people" are still around. I don't know the gentleman who is closing his shop or his story but what I could read on his facebook page was sadness over closing. And that I thought, meant that there are indeed other members of my tribe present - the ones that loved what they did, valued and fiercely loved their customers and life as an independent.

If there were others besides me who felt this loss that I'm feeling, then I'm not alone, right? I shared someone else's story; passed on his words and added a few; and no one commented. It was as if they tried to ignore what is happening, or perhaps they didn't really want to know. But these are people with whom I've connected with, the ones who still have their restaurants and stores and service companies. THEY would care.....right? Because if they don't then am I sharing a dead cause and blowing a silent trumpet? I looked all over the Internet tonight for some long-time independents that always have championed this thinking - the ones who agreed, and supported, and understood.

But their pages were silent and they themselves appeared distant; either otherwise occupied or moving in a new direction. A few had closed up in the last year and some of the most enthusiastic cheerleaders for the "Shop Local" movement had abandoned the effort altogether. Perhaps they saw the light I've been hiding from; perhaps they realized things are changing and some of us will fall. Perhaps I'm one of the few who didn't see or want to see what's right there? 

And then it dawned on me; maybe this is how you begin to know your time is up, when you look around and realize the others are gone. Maybe this is how you begin to see that others have let go of a dream that was once like yours. Maybe this is how you realize you've held on too long.

#truth #reality #ending #closing #afteralltheseyears #forever #thefinal90 #shoplocalmovement #dinosaur #fool #blind #whatotherssaw #failed #dream #itsover #realization #lettinggo #closingasmallbusiness

Live that dream

Did you ever have a dream that happened - something that right before your eyes turned into reality? I did. I am grateful for that. And yet the selfish part of me wants to remain an entrepreneur, not return to just being a normal person with a regular job.


But the risks and the dead end I've arrived at within the last several years are more than writing on the wall and I'm smart enough to see that....right? I am, and I'd still do it all over again if I could relocate; but I'm 20 years older and while far more savvy I'm also perhaps not as able to pull 20 hour work days getting moved, set up and established for a new beginning. And there's this bad taste in my mouth from the situation I'm in and perhaps this IS what's best, for me.


But for YOU - wanting desperately to make that leap, to break out on your own and write that new chapter - do it. Don't let it slip by because that may be the best time of your life. For me it was.

#store #closing #familyowned #ghostsofthepast #smallbusinessowners #entrepreneur #dream #deathofasmallbusiness #thefinal90 #independentretailer #lastseason #closingforever #locallyowned #momandpop #fading #oldtimeshop #‎thefinal90‬ ‪#‎storeclosing‬ #sadness #newcareer

I'm not good with change

....but I'm learning.

2:35am and I'm dead tired but not sleeping. I'm an onion tonight, peeling off layers, and every time I open my eyes it seems sadness drips out. I am stronger than this, I know......


I have always hated change, lived a life for almost 20 years where little happened to disrupt the norm. And so it must come as no surprise that this ending after almost as many years does sting and tug at my heart.


Some people have an attachment to things, such as sports cars, jewelry, or luxury vacations. I craved being myself in the world that I thought I'd come alive in; the place where I'd found my passion and spirit for life. For the first time in my life things fell into place and from a deformed spirit grew something that was mine.


I know, how can a job or a business mean so much? Maybe we aren't all alike, and maybe what brought my soul to life wouldn't thrill yours. But I found my place in the world for a time and although I'm grieving the loss of this thing that helped me become whole, I have to believe there is more out there. I'm sure this isn't where my story ends. It just happens to be the place where I'm pausing, learning to let go and finding out what's next.



#lettinggo #movingon #sayinggoodbye #finally #closing #endofanera #goodbyemomandpop #thefinal90

I believe....

 

I believe....


....that grief isn't defined by words and equations, or measured by certain traits.

....that what spoke to your soul and made you come alive is something that can now be a huge loss in your life.

...that the longer you wait to make a change that you know is coming, the harder it will be.

....that hatever once made you whole; filled an emptiness; was there as you came out of the dark and healed, is going to hurt like hell when you say goodbye.

...that letting go may be the only way you can reach the next chapter in your life.

....that when the time comes when you have to walk away from memories of when you were broken and found the one thing that worked, that restored your faith in yourself and that let you live again, that it's going to rip your heart out.

....that being afraid of change keeps you from growing.

...that it's possible to feel some things should never end and that what made you complete should never go away.

....that this may be the time for me to fly.

...that you can love something that restored you to living as a normal person so much that it's going to leave fragments.

....that this sadness is about losing the only thing in my life I ever became.

....that letting go of this dream is harder than I thought.

....that these years were some of the best times in my life.

#lettinggo #closingabusiness #movingon #afteralltheseyears #nextchapter #deathofasmallbusiness #goodbye #momandpop #smallstores #closing #since1979 #afterallthistime #closingforever #thefinal90 #belovedsmallshop #icon #community #shoplocal #loss #hometownbusinesses

Official Announcement

Posted on my facebook page yesterday....

Dear customers, 

It is with extreme sadness I share the news that our store will close in October. Opened in 1979, it has been an area favorite for decades. So many of our customers grew up coming here, looked forward to visiting and are now friends that I know by name. Over the last 19 years I've had some of the best times in my life, thanks to many of you.

Unfortunately things have been bittersweet lately as circumstances outside of my control have changed. It was very difficult to make this decision and I have put it off as long as possible. Sadly, it is time.

Thank you for the many years of support, encouragement and your friendship. Sometimes doing the right thing and running an honest, decent business doesn't guarantee success. As many of you know I stuck by my principles for the products offered here, and you could always be sure your children were not sold inferior candies made in china. I support American-made, quality confections and the many independent companies who like me, have struggled to remain in business. Sadly each year there are fewer of us left.


Regretfully,
A.B
1979 - 2014

#localshop #favorite #momandpop #locallyowned #thefinal90 #endofanera #independent #retailer #beloved #weareclosing #lettinggo #sayinggoodbye #closingannouncement #afteralltheseyears #deathofasmallbusiness

The Invisible Independent

Today, a new emotion surfaced. One of the many, many layers of the grief/sadness/letting go process perhaps?

Someone came in the store and made a small purchase. He jokingly asked how long the store had been here since "he'd been coming here forever and never noticed it". I mumbled that it had been here for 35 years and then immediately wished I hadn't because then the questions started. Really? Had it always been RIGHT HERE in the same location? Or somewhere else? 35 years....was I sure? Yes. I'm sure.

But he couldn't give it up, and then proceeded to ask how long into the fall/winter months we remain open, and what the off season hours are, etc, etc. Finally I just blurted out look, we are closing in a few months so it doesn't matter, and of course, the next reaction was shock and awe. NO! This store couldn't be closing....why?? All I could do was point at him and shrug. If you can't see something that you don't want to see, what can I do? A chain store with a reassuringly familiar name - now that you'd notice, but the little mom and pops - well, they are not even registering on your radar.

Looking around he observed that many of the items were "different" and I agree; they are. That's because many of them are made in the USA, and some look different because they aren't imported from china. <<Eye roll>> from Mr Clueless, followed by "well that's nice but it's so durn expensive to buy American-made". Actually, I beg to differ; our prices are FAR better than the chain store competitor across the street so it's not really the cost of our products that killed us. It was the apathy towards small, "different" retailers, the ones that are original, unique and offer a non-bland experience. But you can't support what you're afraid of, what you tune out, what you can't SEE. And by labeling me and my shop as over-priced, he just reasoned away any possible thoughts of exploring something new.

#storeclosing #finalgoodbye #momandpopshops #bigboxgiants #independentretailer #struggling #locallyowned #thefinal 90 #afteralltheseyears #finallyclosing #endofanera #communityicon #beloved #local #shop #sayinggoodbye

Am I becoming a dinosaur?

Concerns from an independent retailer, written in July 2011

Today was a tough one. For eleven hours I've tried to be polite to people coming into my shop. I don't feel it’s best to pounce on them and be pushy, yet I greet everyone with a smile or a hello, mention I'm available when they are ready, feel free to ask any questions, etc. Few have responded; some with a blank stare or grunt; some quick to point out they aren't going to buy anything, just look; several almost seem offended I approached them. Ultimately a large number leave after strolling through as if this was a museum, often claiming an easy excuse like the heat or time of day. Many however do note that this is just like the candy shop of their childhood, they reminisce and point out familiar treats with excitement. But they don't wish to buy here - they'll hold out and find a dollar store nearby they say.

Some have stated my worst fear; that they will wait till tonight when they reach the mega-chain store of choice. Bright, glitzy, neon….those stores are all these things and more; larger, more expensive, offering a buffet of made in China candies. Their employees won't know the difference between two different varieties of chocolates, or the legend of salt water taffy that I keep copies of to pass out to my curious smaller customers. They won't offer a sample of a very taste-specific licorice and discuss the flavors with someone searching for a favorite variety their parents used to buy them years ago, maybe in a tiny shop like mine.

But they will go there to these neon castles which are on every corner, and which in the last few years have crushed every independent in town except mine. Out of more than a dozen small and locally owned shops this is the final stand. Sometimes I wonder if there is anything that could elevate my small business to the “corporate glamour” level these people seem to want - even if there was, it's unlikely I'd be able to pull it off. We ARE the definition of "mom and pop" and what so many used to love and welcome, but to an ever-growing number of people are we perhaps turning into plain or outdated, a relic from the past?

A decade ago it seemed everyone wanted to be here; loved the shop, the history, the atmosphere and the products, but I don't think those things are a selling point anymore. It’s not the familiar layout of a chain store, a reassuringly giant place where no one knows your name. I can't ever complete with mega-mall big box monstrosities; I just never thought that is all people would want.

P.S. After the summer I aggressively worked to update a number of things; lighting, product selection, signage, layout and more; all things I'd been trying to keep up with each year. It's important to note that when a small business has primarily one person in charge that sometimes your vision may not be good enough. I'm not sure that a sole proprietor is the best at seeing "different" or "fresh & new" or "out of the box" when it's just one perspective. So maybe I did fall prey to that and failed to change and grow enough? The following year did bring an increase in positive reactions from many visitors but due to poor management and landlord issues the shopping center declined.





#locallyowned #smallshop #independent #retailer #supportlocal #weareclosing #thefinal90 #fading #momandpop #whyshoplocal #bigboxgiants #ourfinalseason #deathofasmallbusiness #communityicon #belovedlocalshop

A new direction appears and then vanishes

Today I feel like a failure. I don't think anyone considers what it's like to go through this but some things I thought were in the works for possible volunteer projects after the summer.....well, those people never got back to me, made excuses not to respond or reply. Back in March I'd learned of an organization that deeply resonated with things that are important to me. I fell hard for their mission and what they stood for, and actually believed I would be part of that in the future.


I was wrong. After putting in a lot of effort and time to be part of a fundraising event in May, no one ever spoke to me again. I've tried to find out what went wrong; why I failed at something else when the biggest part of my life is already crumbling around me but I got no answers. Maybe someone didn't like me, or they didn't really need my help but having cared and becoming involved I've taken the silence very hard


Maybe no one knows what it's like to go through this painful loss of a business but I sure wish something I'd hoped to be a part of had worked out. Maybe people could think what others are going through as this is one of the the toughest goodbyes I've ever said. Maybe it's really important as one is going through something like this to try and find a new beginning elsewhere, a point of starting over career - wise or a new direction. It just might be what helps focus a little bit on the future.

#thefinal90 #storeclosing #lastseason #disappointed #quality #standards #after35years #wrong #choice #newcareer #changes #sayinggoodbye #smallbusiness #struggle #independent #retailer #endofanera #closed

It isn't just my store....is it?

The other night I did some research. I was looking for small business statics on failure vs. success, news articles, anything that addressed what I'm going through.

I found a few items which helped me to feel a tiny bit better - here is one which speaks to the fading of personal interactions with a small "specialty shop" and a gradual movement to "everything under one roof".


Why support a small business? They build real ones on relationships in the community that are hard to find in a big box store. They add flavor and interest to our surroundings. In case you haven't noticed, the homogenization of Leesburg, Loudoun County and many other counties is thriving while the small business owners are having a hard time competing.

http://www.leesburgtoday.com/opinion/letters/op-ed-the-death-of-a-small-business/article_4faa8c20-933b-11e3-a171-001a4bcf887a.html

 #after35years #candyshop #since1979 #lovelocal #Americanmade #quality #standards #weareclosing #madeintheusa #familyowned  #independent #smalltretailer #lastseason #closingforever #endofanera #thefinal90 #lettinggo

90 to go

Saturday, August 2nd. It's the first of ninety days until my lease runs out and I'm giving notice to my landlord today. I have three months until the day I walk out of here forever.

Last night I was so lucky to see and say goodbye to one of my very favorite families. For years they have been coming in, making this place part of their summer vacations and sharing their family with me. I'm so grateful to have had this experience.

#thefinal90 #lettinggo #storeclosing #goodbye #after35years #finally #closed #memories #since1979 #alltheseyears #movingon #goingoutofbusiness #loveyourlocal #endofanera #independent #retailer #supportlocal #closedforever

Why a "final 90 days"?

Why did this business matter so much, enough that I thought it deserved a public send off, a blog chronicling the final days, a need to speak out before we're gone?

Well it mattered to me because of so many things - more than I could begin to count - but some of the important reasons are the history behind 35 years, the connections I have with so many people I know, the concept of standing for something by offering carefully selected products which are still made in the USA. 

For some people even one of these reason would have been enough cause to "not go quietly".....and that's something I've never been good at doing. I'm speaking up because to me it all matters; the decision to stop carrying certain items which after decades have shifted production from American soil to china; the choice to work with the limited schedule of a small company that no longer had the best delivery options - just so I could continue to sell their made in the USA products. Or the people that I've come to know over so many layers of years and seasons and too many reasons to begin to count that matter.

Where it all began

Where it all began....

One day in 1979 someone decided to open a candy shop. I was 8 years old at the time and lived 150 miles away. It wasn't me or my relatives but that doesn't make the store's history any less important. I have records dating back to show the operations of the business continually through the years up until now. There were three owners before me and for almost all this time the store's name stayed the same. Apparently during either the second or third owner it was briefly named a close variation and then changed back. In a way I feel guilty being the one to close it up after all this time, as if I'm the one letting it go. After all, everyone else did keep it going all that time.

Sometime in 1995 a young couple from Virginia were itching to get out of the city area and move somewhere less hectic. Somewhere to open a small business maybe...a real estate ad in a local newspaper listed a shop for sale.....by November the deal was done and the fourth owners had stepped into place.

#thefinal90 #closingforever #goodbye #momandpop #supportlocal #finallyclosing #after35years #beloved #localstore #sayinggoodbye #lettinggo #independent #business #smallretailer #memories #since1979 #endofanera 

What it's about: Introduction

The post below was written several years ago about the importance of buying American-made, why it matters, and supporting the businesses which continue to do that. Unfortunately, on Sunday I reluctantly posted the news that after 35 years we would be closing. Perhaps someone will read this and may realize how much goes into even the small decisions about what you buy and where it is made.



"You left anyway."


You heard me explaining just minutes ago to the other customers that our candies are born here in the USA; often by confectionery families with a tradition of high standards; dedicated to keeping their products USA-made. You saw me hand them some printed material, detailing the more-than-a-century life and journey of classic American favorites, which noted the commitment the family-owned company has offered for generations.

You barely glanced at the vintage wooden candy counters you might have stood at decades ago and bought sweets from as a child. Like our products, those old-time general store cases were assembled with skill - not inferior ingredients – joined together with care, commitment and real wood; lacking any screws, nuts or bolts.

But you decided to go. Your children were restless and demanding; fresh from the movie they had seen during the ride to the shore, they chanted that only the latest and greatest gummy cartoon character candy would do. And you didn't care to argue; stand up for principles; explain why we need jobs here in our country. You certainly didn't want to go into detail about why we must support our American companies – so people like your nice neighbor Mr. Frank, who was laid off from his job after 28 years – could remain employed. Because, when Mr. Frank was laid off as the company he worked for outsourced everything to China, he had planned on working a few more years just to keep his health benefits. See, his wife is ill; they will soon be able to get Medicare….but not now. And that “now” - the time between being an employed citizen and an over-65’er - could mean the loss of their home; savings; everything Mr. & Mrs. Frank have been working for their entire lives.

You didn’t want any drama. And it was certainly too “messy” to tell your kids how it’s not right to “demand” things, that the brand-new gummy candy of questionable ingredients might not be safe to eat – but after all, didn’t you just scan the online reports yesterday to be sure their toys were not the ones recalled, the ones that could leak poison into your babies delicate skin? If the toys were a concern to you, then why not the food they are whining for?

You left anyway. I never got a chance to show your children the shoestring licorice that would undoubtedly have been different from what they got in Walmart – because it IS different. Manufactured in an American facility - from a company who allows no raw ingredients from outside of the US - it would have been carefully screened for quality. You would have had no need to search Consumer Reports to see if this was laced with lead. Your young ones would have learned something; about responsibility; about commitment; seen dedication in the handmade walnut wood counters; heard pride in my words about selling something I didn’t have to question.

But you didn't see any of this; you didn't want to know….and if you don’t, neither will they. And today, I’m sad not just for myself, my business, the death of small independent retail shops, but also for people everywhere – just like Mr. Frank.

Unacceptance

Today I feel that I simply cannot let go. It's just not working to look over the items in the store to decide which ones to discount and clear out, what to donate, toss or keep. I can't keep the business that was so very different years ago; many variables have changes of shoppers, the seasonal nature of this area, the economy, store expenses, etc. I've had my time; years; chances; opportunities. Maybe this wasn't my forte. Maybe I wasn't as good at being a proprietor as I thought. Maybe I should have moved on years ago and perhaps this is for the best.

And yet.....I can say all that and still want to go rip down the 50% off signs. I want to tear up the "Here's how to reach me" cards I printed up for my favorite people that I don't want to lose touch with. I want to stop hurting everyday; to not need to force back the tears that rise up during so many conversations, and I want to stop feeling like a piece of me is breaking inside. I want a chance to restructure; to tweak what I see needs changing; to sort out the slower selling items and perhaps focus on fewer of the most desirable things. I want to explain to the other half that now I see where some things need to be different, maybe that I didn't "get" before. Perhaps as I'm weeding out products and categories I've suddenly seen the light and would know how to reopen next spring better, more streamlined, profitable.

But despite what I think I see as possibilities I realize it's not just my choice. And, I've had time to try and improve the business over the last few years so if I could wouldn't it already have happened? Now there is some bitterness and I believe, jealousy over the time and money issues, so the chance to rebuild has likely passed me by. I thought I did everything I could but rather than accept this ending gracefully I'm still hoping for another chance. And yet, my time has run out here.