August 2015

I went by the shopping center a week or so ago late at night and had to stop and look. My store still sits empty.

 Now there is another one closing too....

Paco's Paradise has been there for more

About #thefinal90

Some folks have come across this journey recently and been curious how it came to be. If you didn't go back to the beginning and start there this is a summary. 

 
A few days before the deadline of Friday, August 1st 2014, a new blog began. Launched to capture the process of letting go and ending the 19 year run of a small local business; not done for sympathy or attention but as a way of explaining what it's like to close a beloved store. There's not much written about this sort of thing but my store deserved to have it's story told.

Here is where it starts - 
http://thefinal90days.blogspot.com/2014/07/what-its-about-introduction.html

 

My shop's final story has now been shared across many

social sites. You can find it by searching 

keyword/hashtag #thefinal90. Thanks for reading.

Cleaning out a storage unit June 4th, 2015

I'm heading to a shop in a small town near me today to sell off some of the things I held onto. There isn't ever going to be another retail store for me and six months later I'm trying to remember why I held onto all this anyway. 

My van is loaded up with merchandise that someone will look at and possibly make an offer on. The store is one I've visited plenty of time and shopped at - one which maybe ten years ago began as just a tiny little space and grew into a beautifully showcased retail emporium that it is today. I'm glad to know these people planned well and made their dream come true but I can't stop thinking and wondering where I went wrong with mine. 

So much love, effort, hard work and dedication poured into my shop for all those years is now boiling down to a storage unit of stuff which needs to be sold, donated or just thrown away. The dream is over and insane as it may sound, six months later it hurts as much as it did in October of last year. I'm not letting go gracefully I guess.

 

 

Six months later

Sometimes things have a funny way if sneaking up on you. I remember the first time I went grocery shopping after closing my store in October of last year. I recall thinking it was my first time in an independently owned store, no longer as a small business owner, and it felt strange to no longer be "one of them".

Tonight its six months later and I'm lost. The job search isn't going so well and I can't find my place. Maybe it's because I haven't made peace with closing that door yet - for the last half a year it's been absent from my life but now here it is just before Memorial weekend. All the small business owners t hat I know are working late, getting prepared and being the captains of small ships on the sea of enterprise. 

My ship doesn't sail there anymore and while I've struggled to come to terms with the end of a 19 year run, somehow I thought it would be easier to move on. I miss my little shop; my customers; being good at what I did and loving it so much. I guess when you've had all that,  feeling lost is to be expected. I'm not sure where I go from here. 

Missing what was

I am missing my business so much lately. The only place where I came alive for one of the only times in my life, is gone and it feels like I've lost a piece of my soul.

I loved the customers, the kids, the strangers who turned into friends, our conversations and the dream. Because five months later that's what it's fading into; just a dream. I will likely never be a small business owner again because it's becoming clear to me that fear of failure and loss a second time is something I can't risk. To lose a part of my heart after 19 years is something I'm still struggling to grasp.....how I let so much time slip away while on the wrong path.

Finding a job is proving to be much harder than I'd thought and the silence of what's gone just echos around me now. It's spring; there should be excitement for a new season; plans being made and instead there is silence. I let what most refer to as the best years of one's life fade away doing what amounted to nothing and now the emptiness is crushing me.

I wish I could hit replay but it's too late. The piece that completed me is missing and while a shadow is still looking for a job, what made me jump put of bed in the mornings full of enthusiasm to get to work has died. Finally I can say that perhaps it would have been better if I'd never been a small retail shop owner. There is a sadness in my life that I can't fill.

I've lost a piece of my soul

The weather just began getting warmer a few days ago. I'm feeling as if I should be cleaning; getting the store ready to reopen for the upcoming summer season; placing merchandise orders and building new displays, but that's now part of my past. For the last nineteen years all those things took place in March and April, and now for the first time there is an empty space.

I'm looking for a job, and have been ever since the shop closed. I didn't expect to find much available during the winter but now that many businesses are gearing up for the summer there should be plenty of options. Maybe I'll have to work some weekends but likely not all, and that's something most people would want, rather than working every Saturday and Sunday for months as I've done. A day off will likely be a "normal consideration" so the crushing non-stop schedule that had become routine throughout the summer is behind me. There are some great little businesses, amusement parks, and attractions around here and if I'm lucky I'll get to work for some of the long-time local owners....

What I can't find is my passion. That thing that makes you want to jump out of bed in the morning is gone, and along with it, the inspiration that used to flow from  my fingertips as I created art out of odd things and strange items. To me it seemed like magic when it happened - and given that the ability to create and make things had only come to me in the last five years - it was magic. Only in the last several years was a fragmented brain able to function normally, and with it came this incredible sense of being able to carry an idea or a concept for a sculpture or piece of art - for the first time in my life. Before then? I was a shop owner yes, but after struggling for years was still unable to keep focused enough to actually build something....what grew inside of me then now appears to have died with the store.

Even this series of posts and articles, which during the final 90 days was something I craved to write, has become so difficult. What used to pour out of my heart and mind, so urgently in fact that I'd need to capture my feelings by furiously typing on my phone, has fallen silent. The words are labored and no longer run freely, with this being the first time in months that I'm writing. Caught off guard at seeing some old advertising materials and photos of my shop from the past, I'm somehow brought back to this blog today. But what I want is the ability to feel whole again - not just for a fleeting moment - but to have that peace in my spirit.


I have lost a piece of my soul.

Five weeks later.

I'm finally admitting how much I miss this. It seemed I would have posted sooner but the words wouldn't come, and perhaps I was trying to think about moving on instead of looking back. But the honeymoon stage that was new-found freedom from working seven days a week has faded. For the first time in two decades we could accept weekend invitations; sleep in on Saturday and not have to rush out of church on Sundays to open the shop, but that faded fast.

I miss my store, the people, my customers. It seems my creativity that grew there and turned into pieces of art is gone. It will return some time probably, but for now my soul is as empty as a birdcage with an occupant that has left.

My sweet senior friend Miss Doris must have come down to the beach this fall as she always does, but we didn't get to catch up this year. I wonder if her cancer is still in remission. We always had such long, meaningful talks about major events in one's life such as illness, loss, and holding onto hope. She loves her grandchildren so very much and I loved seeing her eyes sparkle when she told me about their latest school events and adventures. Miss Doris isn't part of my life anymore; she wasn't in the shop over the summer so I never got a chance to tell her goodbye or exchange addresses.

So many things I'm experiencing differently now that my life has changed. On November 14th I went to the grocery store for the first time as an unemployed citizen, no longer a small business owner. November 18th was the first church meeting that I attended since April, before the summer season began, and a Thanksgiving without customers and a busy weekend seemed hollow to me.

Silently, one by one, these things tell me that I loved something too much. It's all going to turn into just a memory soon, and those years when my soul came alive and for the first time in my life I was happier than I'd ever been, will fade. It feels as if the snow globe that was my world has shattered. I loved being a part of your lives.

The excitement of having your own small business....

Ahh....the adventure of stepping out on your own as an independent business owner. I remember.

There is nothing quite like the excitement of doing this, as no class can prepare you for all the balls that you will need to learn how to juggle or the numerous tasks and responsibilities that they fail to mention to you in school. It is an adventure all it's own; one that people often view as a leap of faith or a defining moment in one's life. There will be the highs and the lows and the worry, but at the end of the day you may turn the key in a door that is yours and yours alone. 

You might be the captain of a ship on the tumultuous seas, or just one single person in a tiny boat, frantically rowing to keep up with the rushing current. There will be struggle and second-guessing and incredibly long hours as you work to prove yourself, and there might be the sweet taste of success that eludes so many - yes, it may be yours! And if you truly care about doing what's right and standing up for your principles, be prepared, since those choices sometimes come at a cost. It is an experience like no other, but keep in mind; should you grow tired or stale or disillusioned, that there is nothing quite like the pain of having to let go of a dream.....I hope for you that never happens.

Never stop growing; reaching; improving.  I wish you well on your journey

#independent #business #owner #smallretailer #localshop #adventure #thefinal90 #mystoreisclosed #after35years #finallyclosing #beloved #local #store #loveyourlocal #smallbusinessmatters #wereclosed #since1979 #endofanera

I'm out.

The last few display pieces have been picked up and the final items are in storage. I'm on day two of trying to process that I'm unemployed, have nothing that is truly mine and that I've said goodbye to what I loved.

To those of you who supported and loved this shop, it was an honor to have you as customers and friends. I will miss being part of your summer vacations, seeing your families and chatting each year with so many of you that I came to know.

Thank you for this time of my life. I will remember you forever.

No longer a small business owner

It's just about over. A few things remain in the store that were to be picked up or taken away and that should be done by tomorrow.

There's a faded window sign proclaiming the very best in old-fashioned candies and sweets lying on the floor by the door, and a few stacks of glass shelving sitting against the wall.

What used to be my store now has an echo, something I knew would happen and yet pretended not to notice over the last few weeks. When my friend two doors down closed her shop last month I went in towards the end and the hollowness was there. I couldn't stand it. I had gone in to be supportive of her closing and yet the echo made it hard for me to pay attention or stay long. I knew my shop would be next.

This has been the hardest thing I've ever done. Not just the saying goodbye, or searching for a new direction or letting go of the dream, but physically also. Serious lack of planning and dragging my feet didn't help but I'd also underestimated the amount of work and time it would take to sort, donate, sell, set aside and pack up 19 years of memories. Running several days beyond the date I was officially to be out wasn't planned but it just worked out that way.

By tomorrow I should be finished and will place the  keys in an envelope and drop them into the slot for the landlord. I'm no longer able to say I'm a small business owner. The time has come to move on.

November 4th

Today is the final day of this process. It has to be since I'm beyond exhausted, very stressed and several days late on this whole moving process. Yes, I seriously underestimated the amount of work and am paying for that mistake but I think I can swing it to be finished by tonight.

But first I have a dentist appointment then packing up for another trip to storage,  another day of hoping I don't get a ticket for expired tags on my car, and somehow finding time to go vote.

I need an end to this and sincerely hope today's the day.

What if I can't write anymore?

I wanted desperately to write one of the last posts on this blog from here, in this store where so much has happened. I'm trying not to give in to the ridiculous idea that it only took place here and may never again; because what I have learned to say on a screen came from my heart once my  mind mended.

That's something I should be able to keep, cultivate and continue no matter where I am. I say that and try to believe it but a piece of me silently asks, what if this place where you healed, stepped out of the shadows and into the light - what if the loss of so many things that were so important suddenly pulls one of the legs out from under the table? Yes, tables can and do stand on three legs but only when they were made that way; not when they came to depend upon a fourth.

I can't think like that. I have to take the good and the bad from this experience and go on to set this old laptop on another counter or table or desk and let the words out. It's not fair to let myself think it's over just because I'll be sitting somewhere different.

I hope that somehow before Monday night I can sit here in this now-silent shell of a store and once again pour my heart out. I'm so afraid the words will come to a halt when I leave here; I just want to stay tonight and write. And remember. And keep loving the piece of my life that matters so much to me that it's stinging my eyes and running down my cheeks again.

90 days was up at midnight

I didn't make it. Despite working non-stop all week I wasn't able to have everything packed up and out by Friday night.

Yes, the sorting and decisions and memories overwhelmed me and progress was slow - much slower than I'd anticipated. And as I noticed my hesitation and inability to let go, toss or keep, it dawned on me that perhaps maintaining a shop of this size had become more than I could gracefully handle.

Two folks who were unable to come and pick up several large items left me scrambling and  when I wrenched my back Thursday night I realized it wasn't going to happen. I got an extension until Monday and after a day of rest am back for another 12-14 hours.

I don't appreciate the nagging feeling in my head that keeps pointing out I've become easily overwhelmed like this more than a few times in the last couple of years. Maybe since  losing my employees four years ago when my workman's comp policy increased (by six times the previous rate), I'd been so alone with this amount of work that things had become more difficult for me.

Maybe I had changed and simply didn't have what it took anymore. In any case I've got a new deadline which will be day 93 since I gave notice.


I've got a lot to do and I'd love to slap that annoying little feeling buzzing around my head which reminds me that perhaps I HAVE slipped a little; lost my edge maybe. It's good I have a lot of hours ahead to be thinking this over.

A picture of how we looked earlier this year....the way so many of my customers knew this place and loved it.

        

My last few days

A lot of learning to let go this week....some of it I'm failing miserably at. I know that one day I will look back on this experience and realize it was just time, that the dream, this passion and great love of my life are over. But right now I keep thinking I will wake up and it won't be really happening.

What goodbye looks like....

Freeze frame feeling

I've fallen into a crazy state of sluggishness this week, almost as if I don't believe this is happening.  Granted, I am fighting hard to look ahead and take some good things away from this experience and per my post from yesterday, perhaps it's time to focus less on the loss and more on the positive. But right now I'm totally overwhelmed by the rush to sort, pack, throw away and have everything ready for the movers on Thursday.


Given my panic it's a shame I didn't plan better but it feels that the world is in slow motion and I'm barely moving. I have to get this done and so I'm here for another 12-14 hours today....still feeling like I'm trapped in a damaged video, the kind we used to encounter years ago. I'm in that minute as everything starts to blur and slow down to frame-by-frame movement as the VCR grinds to a stop.

#lastdays #storeclosed #momandpopclosing #independentretailer #movingon  #thefinal 90 #deathofasmallbusiness #endofanera #finallyclosed #after35years #itsover #timelapse #closedforever #momandpopclosed #itsablur

The weekend is over

I called it an hour early. I couldn't take the comments about "I knew you were here but this is my first time in this shop in 20 years or "I bet you can't wait to get out of here and retire".....as if I look 25 years older than I am and with retirement on my list. Most days I have thicker skin but right now everything about this hurts and I had to just close the door. This has been my life for so many years and today my heart is breaking.


Just posted: "Folks, it's over. We will be closing in just a few minutes. I can't thank those of you who came in this weekend enough but it's time. I have loved being a part of your lives, vacations and families and will miss you so much. Thank you."


I'm trying to catch my breath and I can't.

#wehaveclosed #itsover #thefinal90  #closedforever #belovedshop #lettinggo #confectionery #over #myhearthurts #smallstoregone #ihaveloved #tryingtobreathe #finalday #endofmystory #heartbroken #missingyoualready #lastday

My final Saturday

My final Saturday as a small business owner begins.

I'm never going to consider myself less of a person simply because I will work for someone else in the future; it just won't ever be the same. I've loved having the ability to educate, inform and share the message of buying American made products. So many of my customers appreciate that and return because there are standards here and they don't have to question what they purchase.

Sadly, a large segment of those shoppers are older - they are the ones who "get it" when the younger generation  - even those with children couldn't care less. I wish I'd been able to reach them but after all this time I couldn't. This chapter has ended for me and it's time to give up the pursuit. I can't help feeling a little disappointed that there will be one less voice speaking up for the American manufacturers, producers and even local artists who's work we carried. American made products. So many of my customers appreciate that and return because there are standards here and they don't have to question what they are purchasing.

#Americanmade #quality #standards #manufacturing # confectionery #thefinal90 #buyAmerican #standforsomething #principles #MadeInTheUSA #lackofsupport #smallbusiness #sweetshop #belovedicon #local #community #pennycandy #smallstore

Soon a light will go out

It's really sinking in tonight that everything is going to change forever in just a few weeks.


I was out tonight in town and headed home finally, traveling down a silent off -season road. My shop sits in a well-known cluster of brick buildings that have stood there since I was just a few years old, located at the corner of a beach highway intersection. As I make the turn to go home I can see the door and front window of the shop and the lights over the front display shines out into the courtyard. Every time I've turning that corner by the stop light for all these years, I've caught a glimpse of my store that I've taken such care to grow, preserve, nurture and love. A few years ago during the winter my light burned out and to make that turn and see darkness where the familiar glow always was seemed strange.  Now strange is going to become the new normal and that light will go out in just a few more weeks.


For the first time in almost half my life I'll be making that turn without seeing something that I built and that I poured my heart and soul into. It will just be another building to pass by once the life drains out of it in just a few more days, and I think to myself how very lucky I have been to have loved something so much.

#fading #light #store #closing #forever #35years #later #itsover #lettinggo #sayinggoodbye #mysmallbusiness #loved #customers #friends #memories #alltheseyears #candyshop #whatwestoodfor #belovedshop #favorite #destination #summertime #memory #thefinal90

Reality creeps in

I think I'm finding some extra confirmation on the dinosaur thing.

.

Since Sunday when I learned of another small business that was closing I've been restless; searching; looking around for some sign that "my people" are still around. I don't know the gentleman who is closing his shop or his story but what I could read on his facebook page was sadness over closing. And that I thought, meant that there are indeed other members of my tribe present - the ones that loved what they did, valued and fiercely loved their customers and life as an independent.

If there were others besides me who felt this loss that I'm feeling, then I'm not alone, right? I shared someone else's story; passed on his words and added a few; and no one commented. It was as if they tried to ignore what is happening, or perhaps they didn't really want to know. But these are people with whom I've connected with, the ones who still have their restaurants and stores and service companies. THEY would care.....right? Because if they don't then am I sharing a dead cause and blowing a silent trumpet? I looked all over the Internet tonight for some long-time independents that always have championed this thinking - the ones who agreed, and supported, and understood.

But their pages were silent and they themselves appeared distant; either otherwise occupied or moving in a new direction. A few had closed up in the last year and some of the most enthusiastic cheerleaders for the "Shop Local" movement had abandoned the effort altogether. Perhaps they saw the light I've been hiding from; perhaps they realized things are changing and some of us will fall. Perhaps I'm one of the few who didn't see or want to see what's right there? 

And then it dawned on me; maybe this is how you begin to know your time is up, when you look around and realize the others are gone. Maybe this is how you begin to see that others have let go of a dream that was once like yours. Maybe this is how you realize you've held on too long.

#truth #reality #ending #closing #afteralltheseyears #forever #thefinal90 #shoplocalmovement #dinosaur #fool #blind #whatotherssaw #failed #dream #itsover #realization #lettinggo #closingasmallbusiness

Today in Connecticut....

Today is a break from reading about me and my journey, because I'd like to share someone else with you. This morning I was tagged in a facebook post by a friend who has shown support for small business owners, mentioned her feelings on my posts and understood what I've been saying. She, unlike so many, "gets it", and I'm grateful for the people who realize not only what we do but that moving on isn't always easy. Thank you Linda. 

She mentioned me and another person in her comments which told me that this was the final day for another small business owner. I had to know more, not from a spectator standpoint but because I needed to see if this closing was being handled better than I'm managing mine. It's possible that not all proprietors feel the way I do; maybe I'm making too much of my journey and this long goodbye. Then again, it matters a great deal to me so I can't just say nothing, but what if others don't feel as I do?

I looked up the page for the other shop that is closing and just had to copy their announcement here for you to read. It's goodbye - not just to a job, or a place -  but to a community, and it looks like a sadness similar to what I'm feeling. I hope Mr. Carlo won't mind that I am reposting his words here but they matter. We - the heart and soul of your neighborhoods and towns - matter. And it's breaking my heart to read his farewell but especially the one line in there that you may pick up on. 

A photo he posted this morning on his facebook page -

His official closing announcement from 10/6/14:


"It breaks my heart to write this, but we are going out of business.

This week will be our final week that we will be open. We will make grinders till Friday, then no more grinders. I am going to retire. For 6 years my son and I gave our customers the best quality, best service, best prices possible , ANYWHERE. We were honest and fair with everyone. Many of our customers became personal friends of our family, and will continue to be our friends. We will miss ALL OF YOU. But the ones I will miss the most, are all the beautiful children. There is no way to describe how wonderful it is the have them come into the store, and call me Mr. Carlo. These beautiful children are our future, and I know they will grow to be amazing adults, doing amazing things. I know that hundreds of you, won't know I'm closed till you come in for your once a year holiday meal. One can't help but wonder what you feed your family the rest of the year. I have so many people to thank for all the great things they did to help us in our 6 years here. Nick and I could never do it all by ourselves. So this is it, my last week, and a new owner will take over in a couple of weeks. Thank you so much to all our loyal customers over the years, I hope that you all know how much we care about you all. 

Carlo and Nick"


This photo was also posted today. Here is the facebook page -
https://www.facebook.com/pages/Carlo-Son-Quality-Meats/190062691015910

To Carlo & Son Quality Meats, you were so loved by your customers, friends and those you served. I'm so sorry to see you are closing. We - the independents can never be replaced by larger stores, lesser quality or lack of personal commitment to what we do. 
I wish you all the best.