Six months later

Sometimes things have a funny way if sneaking up on you. I remember the first time I went grocery shopping after closing my store in October of last year. I recall thinking it was my first time in an independently owned store, no longer as a small business owner, and it felt strange to no longer be "one of them".

Tonight its six months later and I'm lost. The job search isn't going so well and I can't find my place. Maybe it's because I haven't made peace with closing that door yet - for the last half a year it's been absent from my life but now here it is just before Memorial weekend. All the small business owners t hat I know are working late, getting prepared and being the captains of small ships on the sea of enterprise. 

My ship doesn't sail there anymore and while I've struggled to come to terms with the end of a 19 year run, somehow I thought it would be easier to move on. I miss my little shop; my customers; being good at what I did and loving it so much. I guess when you've had all that,  feeling lost is to be expected. I'm not sure where I go from here. 

Missing what was

I am missing my business so much lately. The only place where I came alive for one of the only times in my life, is gone and it feels like I've lost a piece of my soul.

I loved the customers, the kids, the strangers who turned into friends, our conversations and the dream. Because five months later that's what it's fading into; just a dream. I will likely never be a small business owner again because it's becoming clear to me that fear of failure and loss a second time is something I can't risk. To lose a part of my heart after 19 years is something I'm still struggling to grasp.....how I let so much time slip away while on the wrong path.

Finding a job is proving to be much harder than I'd thought and the silence of what's gone just echos around me now. It's spring; there should be excitement for a new season; plans being made and instead there is silence. I let what most refer to as the best years of one's life fade away doing what amounted to nothing and now the emptiness is crushing me.

I wish I could hit replay but it's too late. The piece that completed me is missing and while a shadow is still looking for a job, what made me jump put of bed in the mornings full of enthusiasm to get to work has died. Finally I can say that perhaps it would have been better if I'd never been a small retail shop owner. There is a sadness in my life that I can't fill.

I've lost a piece of my soul

The weather just began getting warmer a few days ago. I'm feeling as if I should be cleaning; getting the store ready to reopen for the upcoming summer season; placing merchandise orders and building new displays, but that's now part of my past. For the last nineteen years all those things took place in March and April, and now for the first time there is an empty space.

I'm looking for a job, and have been ever since the shop closed. I didn't expect to find much available during the winter but now that many businesses are gearing up for the summer there should be plenty of options. Maybe I'll have to work some weekends but likely not all, and that's something most people would want, rather than working every Saturday and Sunday for months as I've done. A day off will likely be a "normal consideration" so the crushing non-stop schedule that had become routine throughout the summer is behind me. There are some great little businesses, amusement parks, and attractions around here and if I'm lucky I'll get to work for some of the long-time local owners....

What I can't find is my passion. That thing that makes you want to jump out of bed in the morning is gone, and along with it, the inspiration that used to flow from  my fingertips as I created art out of odd things and strange items. To me it seemed like magic when it happened - and given that the ability to create and make things had only come to me in the last five years - it was magic. Only in the last several years was a fragmented brain able to function normally, and with it came this incredible sense of being able to carry an idea or a concept for a sculpture or piece of art - for the first time in my life. Before then? I was a shop owner yes, but after struggling for years was still unable to keep focused enough to actually build something....what grew inside of me then now appears to have died with the store.

Even this series of posts and articles, which during the final 90 days was something I craved to write, has become so difficult. What used to pour out of my heart and mind, so urgently in fact that I'd need to capture my feelings by furiously typing on my phone, has fallen silent. The words are labored and no longer run freely, with this being the first time in months that I'm writing. Caught off guard at seeing some old advertising materials and photos of my shop from the past, I'm somehow brought back to this blog today. But what I want is the ability to feel whole again - not just for a fleeting moment - but to have that peace in my spirit.


I have lost a piece of my soul.

The excitement of having your own small business....

Ahh....the adventure of stepping out on your own as an independent business owner. I remember.

There is nothing quite like the excitement of doing this, as no class can prepare you for all the balls that you will need to learn how to juggle or the numerous tasks and responsibilities that they fail to mention to you in school. It is an adventure all it's own; one that people often view as a leap of faith or a defining moment in one's life. There will be the highs and the lows and the worry, but at the end of the day you may turn the key in a door that is yours and yours alone. 

You might be the captain of a ship on the tumultuous seas, or just one single person in a tiny boat, frantically rowing to keep up with the rushing current. There will be struggle and second-guessing and incredibly long hours as you work to prove yourself, and there might be the sweet taste of success that eludes so many - yes, it may be yours! And if you truly care about doing what's right and standing up for your principles, be prepared, since those choices sometimes come at a cost. It is an experience like no other, but keep in mind; should you grow tired or stale or disillusioned, that there is nothing quite like the pain of having to let go of a dream.....I hope for you that never happens.

Never stop growing; reaching; improving.  I wish you well on your journey

#independent #business #owner #smallretailer #localshop #adventure #thefinal90 #mystoreisclosed #after35years #finallyclosing #beloved #local #store #loveyourlocal #smallbusinessmatters #wereclosed #since1979 #endofanera

The weekend is over

I called it an hour early. I couldn't take the comments about "I knew you were here but this is my first time in this shop in 20 years or "I bet you can't wait to get out of here and retire".....as if I look 25 years older than I am and with retirement on my list. Most days I have thicker skin but right now everything about this hurts and I had to just close the door. This has been my life for so many years and today my heart is breaking.


Just posted: "Folks, it's over. We will be closing in just a few minutes. I can't thank those of you who came in this weekend enough but it's time. I have loved being a part of your lives, vacations and families and will miss you so much. Thank you."


I'm trying to catch my breath and I can't.

#wehaveclosed #itsover #thefinal90  #closedforever #belovedshop #lettinggo #confectionery #over #myhearthurts #smallstoregone #ihaveloved #tryingtobreathe #finalday #endofmystory #heartbroken #missingyoualready #lastday