Six months later

Sometimes things have a funny way if sneaking up on you. I remember the first time I went grocery shopping after closing my store in October of last year. I recall thinking it was my first time in an independently owned store, no longer as a small business owner, and it felt strange to no longer be "one of them".

Tonight its six months later and I'm lost. The job search isn't going so well and I can't find my place. Maybe it's because I haven't made peace with closing that door yet - for the last half a year it's been absent from my life but now here it is just before Memorial weekend. All the small business owners t hat I know are working late, getting prepared and being the captains of small ships on the sea of enterprise. 

My ship doesn't sail there anymore and while I've struggled to come to terms with the end of a 19 year run, somehow I thought it would be easier to move on. I miss my little shop; my customers; being good at what I did and loving it so much. I guess when you've had all that,  feeling lost is to be expected. I'm not sure where I go from here. 

Missing what was

I am missing my business so much lately. The only place where I came alive for one of the only times in my life, is gone and it feels like I've lost a piece of my soul.

I loved the customers, the kids, the strangers who turned into friends, our conversations and the dream. Because five months later that's what it's fading into; just a dream. I will likely never be a small business owner again because it's becoming clear to me that fear of failure and loss a second time is something I can't risk. To lose a part of my heart after 19 years is something I'm still struggling to grasp.....how I let so much time slip away while on the wrong path.

Finding a job is proving to be much harder than I'd thought and the silence of what's gone just echos around me now. It's spring; there should be excitement for a new season; plans being made and instead there is silence. I let what most refer to as the best years of one's life fade away doing what amounted to nothing and now the emptiness is crushing me.

I wish I could hit replay but it's too late. The piece that completed me is missing and while a shadow is still looking for a job, what made me jump put of bed in the mornings full of enthusiasm to get to work has died. Finally I can say that perhaps it would have been better if I'd never been a small retail shop owner. There is a sadness in my life that I can't fill.

No longer a small business owner

It's just about over. A few things remain in the store that were to be picked up or taken away and that should be done by tomorrow.

There's a faded window sign proclaiming the very best in old-fashioned candies and sweets lying on the floor by the door, and a few stacks of glass shelving sitting against the wall.

What used to be my store now has an echo, something I knew would happen and yet pretended not to notice over the last few weeks. When my friend two doors down closed her shop last month I went in towards the end and the hollowness was there. I couldn't stand it. I had gone in to be supportive of her closing and yet the echo made it hard for me to pay attention or stay long. I knew my shop would be next.

This has been the hardest thing I've ever done. Not just the saying goodbye, or searching for a new direction or letting go of the dream, but physically also. Serious lack of planning and dragging my feet didn't help but I'd also underestimated the amount of work and time it would take to sort, donate, sell, set aside and pack up 19 years of memories. Running several days beyond the date I was officially to be out wasn't planned but it just worked out that way.

By tomorrow I should be finished and will place the  keys in an envelope and drop them into the slot for the landlord. I'm no longer able to say I'm a small business owner. The time has come to move on.

Perhaps it is how you look at things....

Maybe I'm not looking hard enough for the good stuff. I recently started following another blog, one that couldn't be more different from my lifestyle and yet it captivated me. I'm not sure how I came across Liz since I seem to have trouble finding sites on Blogger that are what I think I'm trying to find. But perhaps what I needed was to learn about this view of life so maybe it WAS what I'd been looking for.

My life and writing couldn't be more different from hers if I'd sat down and tried to be 180° the other way. It speaks to me of finding joy, appreciating life and loving every minute we are given. I may have been missing the whole point of what life experiences teach us and yet, reading snippets of  someone else's journey could be opening my eyes to a new world.

As an exercise to myself I thought I'd look again at the the post I wrote late last night but didn't publish. I wonder if by focusing on the dark and troubling parts, I'm actually limiting what I let myself see. And in the light of today's astonishingly beautiful weather, the dim view I had on my life's current events seemed perhaps too mournful. What if I'm focusing so hard on my loss that I can't see anything else and thus am missing the whole point of this experience?

There are some photos on my phone that I've taken and I'm going to look for the one that I think is the most beautiful. That's what I will post here today instead of something about my business. Then I'm going to go think about this.

P.S. I loved this photo of an unusual swirling cloud pattern towards sunset last week but didn't post it. Why? Because there are power lines in it - and real professionals don't make stupid mistakes like that. So I let perfectionism dampen the beauty I thought I saw....?

#findingthelight #thankful #appreciatelife #beauty #joy #Iamtrying #learningtoletgo #thefinal90 #freetofly #lookforthebrightspot #seebeauty #lettinggo #learningtofly #endofanera #finalchapter #lossofsmallbusiness

Maybe it is a time to fly

People keep mentioning all the great possibilities that lie ahead of me now. They talk about the next chapter; the new adventures and all the opportunities I'll have.

It's true. I will have many chances to move on in other directions. Unless you've had a small business it's hard to realize how much falls upon just one or two individuals and how often time is no longer your own. The daily hours of the shop, seven days a week can be wearing but more importantly it can drag you into a state where you are no longer growing.

Perhaps I was there, as to run and operate the store took so much of my efforts and energies. Sometimes I think it's possible to slip into that without even realizing because when one is is a sheltered state of routine maybe we forget to look outside of ourselves. I think there are things I'd like to do; try; fiddle around with jewelry making perhaps. But the time and energy wasn't there lately and I may have missed seeing how small my world became.

This could be my chance to find a new love and my next passion in life. I have to remember that become a vibrant and beautiful butterfly one must shed the protective dull grey cocoon to move forward. Maybe, in the upcoming November and December and all the other months to follow, maybe I'm going to find my colors after all.

#locallyowned #sayinggoodbye #thefinal90 #endofanera #independent #retailer #beloved #shop #familiar #icon #favorite #store #momandpop #lettinggo #closingannouncement #confectionaryshop #memories #small #cornerstore #chocolateshop

Live that dream

Did you ever have a dream that happened - something that right before your eyes turned into reality? I did. I am grateful for that. And yet the selfish part of me wants to remain an entrepreneur, not return to just being a normal person with a regular job.


But the risks and the dead end I've arrived at within the last several years are more than writing on the wall and I'm smart enough to see that....right? I am, and I'd still do it all over again if I could relocate; but I'm 20 years older and while far more savvy I'm also perhaps not as able to pull 20 hour work days getting moved, set up and established for a new beginning. And there's this bad taste in my mouth from the situation I'm in and perhaps this IS what's best, for me.


But for YOU - wanting desperately to make that leap, to break out on your own and write that new chapter - do it. Don't let it slip by because that may be the best time of your life. For me it was.

#store #closing #familyowned #ghostsofthepast #smallbusinessowners #entrepreneur #dream #deathofasmallbusiness #thefinal90 #independentretailer #lastseason #closingforever #locallyowned #momandpop #fading #oldtimeshop #‎thefinal90‬ ‪#‎storeclosing‬ #sadness #newcareer

Struggling with September

I've spent all day trying to come to terms with saying goodbye. September and October are some of my favorite months and over the last few days I'd been feeling a nagging sense that this is all slipping away far too fast.


Shortly after the summer season officially ends with Labor day, things begin to change. Stores hours that were 10am until 10 pm gave way to more civilized closing times of 8pm and for the first time in many weeks some of us shop owners took a day off midweek. We slept a little more; reconnected with our families; enjoyed a dinner out with the spouse for the first time since June. And then somewhere in the middle of the month we began planning again.


The fall and the times leading up to the Christmas holidays required attention. Those are valuable weeks for business still, admittedly less than summer but without requiring extra staff and the long hours. It was a time when many of our regular customers would make their appearance after a summer of renting out their beach places and so it was a fun time to catch up with so many familiar faces. I would always hold off on putting up a Christmas tree until after labor day weekend but since the holidays were coming it became commonplace to start changing and decorating the store. All these activities combined with the cooler weather and more relaxed schedule seemed to make up one of the best seasons of the year.


This time it's all so very different. Instead of placing pumpkins and strawbales outside I have signs listing the many items available for sale at deep discounts. Rather than draping fall leaf garlands across the doors and windows I'm adorning them with signs that scream "CLOSING FOREVER". I'm not greeting the shoulder season with enthusiasm and excitement but rather preparing to bury an old friend.


No matter what I could have done today it wouldn't have mattered. The clocks marched onwards towards the ending of one more month that I will never be able to experience in the way that I loved. In a few hours my final September will be done. This place; these years; those memories are fading from my life and I'm unwilling to let go. I have stupidly loved and cared so much about this shop and my customers, the interactions and being a small part of so many lives that it's taking my breath away.

#september #ending #storeclosing #goodbye #after35years #ihaveloved #sayinggoodbye #movingon #familyowned #finally  #smallretailer #independent #business #thefinal90 #endofanera #closingforever

Today I'll post the signs

I didn't post the "closing forever" sign yesterday.  I just couldn't do it but I'm sure I will today. After all, how can I exit in 6 weeks if I don't have huge signs telling people about the bargains inside, how they can "get a deal" and benefit from this turn of events? Somehow it just feels strange to be encouraging that behavior and yet it's the only thing to do when you are closing, right?


I'm sure I will post them today.

#closing #signs #endofanera #smallbusinessclosing #sayinggoodbye #thefinal90 #closingforever #after35years #deathofasmallbusiness

Everything must go

I think today's the day. With just a little over 6 weeks left I cannot avoid putting up the final sign to draw in customers one last time. Despite all the other sale signs placed around the store and in all the windows, I've avoided "the one", the final announcement stating "closing forever after 35 years". But I have to do it. I have to encourage everything to be bought at deep discounts so the doors can be  closed at the end of October. I hate to do it because I dread the comments and questions  that will follow but time is running out.

#goodbyemomandpop
#familyowned  #candyshop #Americanmade #since1979 #independentretailer #lastseason #closingforever

Letting go

"As we grow older and wiser, we begin to realize what we need and what we need to leave behind.  Sometimes walking away is a step forward."

#lettinggo #movingon #thefinal90 #closingdoors #nextchapter #smallbusiness #finallyclosing #afteralltheseyears #supportyourlocal #independentsfading

I believe....

 

I believe....


....that grief isn't defined by words and equations, or measured by certain traits.

....that what spoke to your soul and made you come alive is something that can now be a huge loss in your life.

...that the longer you wait to make a change that you know is coming, the harder it will be.

....that hatever once made you whole; filled an emptiness; was there as you came out of the dark and healed, is going to hurt like hell when you say goodbye.

...that letting go may be the only way you can reach the next chapter in your life.

....that when the time comes when you have to walk away from memories of when you were broken and found the one thing that worked, that restored your faith in yourself and that let you live again, that it's going to rip your heart out.

....that being afraid of change keeps you from growing.

...that it's possible to feel some things should never end and that what made you complete should never go away.

....that this may be the time for me to fly.

...that you can love something that restored you to living as a normal person so much that it's going to leave fragments.

....that this sadness is about losing the only thing in my life I ever became.

....that letting go of this dream is harder than I thought.

....that these years were some of the best times in my life.

#lettinggo #closingabusiness #movingon #afteralltheseyears #nextchapter #deathofasmallbusiness #goodbye #momandpop #smallstores #closing #since1979 #afterallthistime #closingforever #thefinal90 #belovedsmallshop #icon #community #shoplocal #loss #hometownbusinesses

Taking your breath away

Today we depart from talking about my shop to share another one with you. I'm sure you have experienced this yourself when you entered a similar family-owned type of establishment - perhaps you have many of these where you live. But if you must find one near you and visit it just to see what I'm talking about; just to see what these gems are like; why they matter so deeply to many of us.


In a tiny town on the narrow part of land that juts out into the Atlantic below Delaware and runs south towards Virginia Beach, VA sits an icon. Somehow the small town of Parksley, Virginia has managed to escape the vacant atmosphere familiar to so many similar places in the area and has several mom and pop stores, eateries and of course, Jaxon's.

I was only in there for the first time a year ago but it took my breath away - and isn't that the kind of place we all want to walk into? The array of merchandise; the feeling of stepping back a few decades in time, neatly laid out displays, and the astonishing range of items was truly a blast from the past. You could feel time stand still and that this shop had served it's community for many years, being a part of countless generations and families. Where else can you shop for a Sunday hat, quality men's work boots, pots and pans, ribbons and fabric, housewares, little girls' fancy dresses and stationary? It was a real, genuine "variety store" and it made you want to just wander the aisles with a shopping cart, explore and learn their history all at the same time.


But after all, isn't that what a unique and one of a kind business is supposed to do? They aren't all the same, no repetitive layouts found in every one you go into - each one is it's own adventure waiting to be discovered. Perhaps these are meant to be the bright spots in a dull world - a place which allows you to escape from the mundane, everyday pattern of life and soulless chain stores. I hope you will go out and find one to to visit in your state. Sometimes, just maybe, we all need to find that which takes our breath away for a little while.

http://www.jaxons.net/

#smalltown #familybusiness  #easternshore #virginia #independentretailer #Jaxons #thefinal90 #supportsmallbusiness #livelocal #ParksleyVA #mylastseason #finallyclosing #after35years #favoritelocalstores #since1979 #lettinggo

A new direction appears and then vanishes

Today I feel like a failure. I don't think anyone considers what it's like to go through this but some things I thought were in the works for possible volunteer projects after the summer.....well, those people never got back to me, made excuses not to respond or reply. Back in March I'd learned of an organization that deeply resonated with things that are important to me. I fell hard for their mission and what they stood for, and actually believed I would be part of that in the future.


I was wrong. After putting in a lot of effort and time to be part of a fundraising event in May, no one ever spoke to me again. I've tried to find out what went wrong; why I failed at something else when the biggest part of my life is already crumbling around me but I got no answers. Maybe someone didn't like me, or they didn't really need my help but having cared and becoming involved I've taken the silence very hard


Maybe no one knows what it's like to go through this painful loss of a business but I sure wish something I'd hoped to be a part of had worked out. Maybe people could think what others are going through as this is one of the the toughest goodbyes I've ever said. Maybe it's really important as one is going through something like this to try and find a new beginning elsewhere, a point of starting over career - wise or a new direction. It just might be what helps focus a little bit on the future.

#thefinal90 #storeclosing #lastseason #disappointed #quality #standards #after35years #wrong #choice #newcareer #changes #sayinggoodbye #smallbusiness #struggle #independent #retailer #endofanera #closed

It isn't just my store....is it?

The other night I did some research. I was looking for small business statics on failure vs. success, news articles, anything that addressed what I'm going through.

I found a few items which helped me to feel a tiny bit better - here is one which speaks to the fading of personal interactions with a small "specialty shop" and a gradual movement to "everything under one roof".


Why support a small business? They build real ones on relationships in the community that are hard to find in a big box store. They add flavor and interest to our surroundings. In case you haven't noticed, the homogenization of Leesburg, Loudoun County and many other counties is thriving while the small business owners are having a hard time competing.

http://www.leesburgtoday.com/opinion/letters/op-ed-the-death-of-a-small-business/article_4faa8c20-933b-11e3-a171-001a4bcf887a.html

 #after35years #candyshop #since1979 #lovelocal #Americanmade #quality #standards #weareclosing #madeintheusa #familyowned  #independent #smalltretailer #lastseason #closingforever #endofanera #thefinal90 #lettinggo

90 to go

Saturday, August 2nd. It's the first of ninety days until my lease runs out and I'm giving notice to my landlord today. I have three months until the day I walk out of here forever.

Last night I was so lucky to see and say goodbye to one of my very favorite families. For years they have been coming in, making this place part of their summer vacations and sharing their family with me. I'm so grateful to have had this experience.

#thefinal90 #lettinggo #storeclosing #goodbye #after35years #finally #closed #memories #since1979 #alltheseyears #movingon #goingoutofbusiness #loveyourlocal #endofanera #independent #retailer #supportlocal #closedforever