Five weeks later.

I'm finally admitting how much I miss this. It seemed I would have posted sooner but the words wouldn't come, and perhaps I was trying to think about moving on instead of looking back. But the honeymoon stage that was new-found freedom from working seven days a week has faded. For the first time in two decades we could accept weekend invitations; sleep in on Saturday and not have to rush out of church on Sundays to open the shop, but that faded fast.

I miss my store, the people, my customers. It seems my creativity that grew there and turned into pieces of art is gone. It will return some time probably, but for now my soul is as empty as a birdcage with an occupant that has left.

My sweet senior friend Miss Doris must have come down to the beach this fall as she always does, but we didn't get to catch up this year. I wonder if her cancer is still in remission. We always had such long, meaningful talks about major events in one's life such as illness, loss, and holding onto hope. She loves her grandchildren so very much and I loved seeing her eyes sparkle when she told me about their latest school events and adventures. Miss Doris isn't part of my life anymore; she wasn't in the shop over the summer so I never got a chance to tell her goodbye or exchange addresses.

So many things I'm experiencing differently now that my life has changed. On November 14th I went to the grocery store for the first time as an unemployed citizen, no longer a small business owner. November 18th was the first church meeting that I attended since April, before the summer season began, and a Thanksgiving without customers and a busy weekend seemed hollow to me.

Silently, one by one, these things tell me that I loved something too much. It's all going to turn into just a memory soon, and those years when my soul came alive and for the first time in my life I was happier than I'd ever been, will fade. It feels as if the snow globe that was my world has shattered. I loved being a part of your lives.

No longer a small business owner

It's just about over. A few things remain in the store that were to be picked up or taken away and that should be done by tomorrow.

There's a faded window sign proclaiming the very best in old-fashioned candies and sweets lying on the floor by the door, and a few stacks of glass shelving sitting against the wall.

What used to be my store now has an echo, something I knew would happen and yet pretended not to notice over the last few weeks. When my friend two doors down closed her shop last month I went in towards the end and the hollowness was there. I couldn't stand it. I had gone in to be supportive of her closing and yet the echo made it hard for me to pay attention or stay long. I knew my shop would be next.

This has been the hardest thing I've ever done. Not just the saying goodbye, or searching for a new direction or letting go of the dream, but physically also. Serious lack of planning and dragging my feet didn't help but I'd also underestimated the amount of work and time it would take to sort, donate, sell, set aside and pack up 19 years of memories. Running several days beyond the date I was officially to be out wasn't planned but it just worked out that way.

By tomorrow I should be finished and will place the  keys in an envelope and drop them into the slot for the landlord. I'm no longer able to say I'm a small business owner. The time has come to move on.

Maybe it is a time to fly

People keep mentioning all the great possibilities that lie ahead of me now. They talk about the next chapter; the new adventures and all the opportunities I'll have.

It's true. I will have many chances to move on in other directions. Unless you've had a small business it's hard to realize how much falls upon just one or two individuals and how often time is no longer your own. The daily hours of the shop, seven days a week can be wearing but more importantly it can drag you into a state where you are no longer growing.

Perhaps I was there, as to run and operate the store took so much of my efforts and energies. Sometimes I think it's possible to slip into that without even realizing because when one is is a sheltered state of routine maybe we forget to look outside of ourselves. I think there are things I'd like to do; try; fiddle around with jewelry making perhaps. But the time and energy wasn't there lately and I may have missed seeing how small my world became.

This could be my chance to find a new love and my next passion in life. I have to remember that become a vibrant and beautiful butterfly one must shed the protective dull grey cocoon to move forward. Maybe, in the upcoming November and December and all the other months to follow, maybe I'm going to find my colors after all.

#locallyowned #sayinggoodbye #thefinal90 #endofanera #independent #retailer #beloved #shop #familiar #icon #favorite #store #momandpop #lettinggo #closingannouncement #confectionaryshop #memories #small #cornerstore #chocolateshop

I'm not good with change

....but I'm learning.

2:35am and I'm dead tired but not sleeping. I'm an onion tonight, peeling off layers, and every time I open my eyes it seems sadness drips out. I am stronger than this, I know......


I have always hated change, lived a life for almost 20 years where little happened to disrupt the norm. And so it must come as no surprise that this ending after almost as many years does sting and tug at my heart.


Some people have an attachment to things, such as sports cars, jewelry, or luxury vacations. I craved being myself in the world that I thought I'd come alive in; the place where I'd found my passion and spirit for life. For the first time in my life things fell into place and from a deformed spirit grew something that was mine.


I know, how can a job or a business mean so much? Maybe we aren't all alike, and maybe what brought my soul to life wouldn't thrill yours. But I found my place in the world for a time and although I'm grieving the loss of this thing that helped me become whole, I have to believe there is more out there. I'm sure this isn't where my story ends. It just happens to be the place where I'm pausing, learning to let go and finding out what's next.



#lettinggo #movingon #sayinggoodbye #finally #closing #endofanera #goodbyemomandpop #thefinal90

Pieces of me

Today is hell and I would give anything to make this end. I am literally peeling off pieces of me and placing bit and parts of my life, heart and soul into plastic bags people are leaving with. I loved this stupid store so much, I loved being a part of people's lives, I loved knowing I gave them a chance to buy the best while supporting the best - America's candy makers who are still here in the USA making products. This was a tiny amount of business to them but at least I stayed a firm supporter of what they offered and stood for - with this store closing that is one less supporter and already so many of us are gone.

When will people realize what we represented? I don't think they realize the love and care that went into this shop, the generations that came here and the dedication I had. The few visitors earlier today who caually bemoaned the fate of small businesses as they noted the other stores closing in this shopping center, ended up shrugging and writing it off to "progress". What progress, when like robots they all follow each other to the big chains while the real owners are fighting to hold on? When will anyone realize that we ARE the heart and soul of little towns, the unique flavor of an area and a real person? This is ripping my heart out and I can do nothing.

#thefinal90 #storeclosing #goodbye #smallbusiness #35years #heart

A new direction appears and then vanishes

Today I feel like a failure. I don't think anyone considers what it's like to go through this but some things I thought were in the works for possible volunteer projects after the summer.....well, those people never got back to me, made excuses not to respond or reply. Back in March I'd learned of an organization that deeply resonated with things that are important to me. I fell hard for their mission and what they stood for, and actually believed I would be part of that in the future.


I was wrong. After putting in a lot of effort and time to be part of a fundraising event in May, no one ever spoke to me again. I've tried to find out what went wrong; why I failed at something else when the biggest part of my life is already crumbling around me but I got no answers. Maybe someone didn't like me, or they didn't really need my help but having cared and becoming involved I've taken the silence very hard


Maybe no one knows what it's like to go through this painful loss of a business but I sure wish something I'd hoped to be a part of had worked out. Maybe people could think what others are going through as this is one of the the toughest goodbyes I've ever said. Maybe it's really important as one is going through something like this to try and find a new beginning elsewhere, a point of starting over career - wise or a new direction. It just might be what helps focus a little bit on the future.

#thefinal90 #storeclosing #lastseason #disappointed #quality #standards #after35years #wrong #choice #newcareer #changes #sayinggoodbye #smallbusiness #struggle #independent #retailer #endofanera #closed