August 2015

I went by the shopping center a week or so ago late at night and had to stop and look. My store still sits empty.

 Now there is another one closing too....

Paco's Paradise has been there for more

About #thefinal90

Some folks have come across this journey recently and been curious how it came to be. If you didn't go back to the beginning and start there this is a summary. 

 
A few days before the deadline of Friday, August 1st 2014, a new blog began. Launched to capture the process of letting go and ending the 19 year run of a small local business; not done for sympathy or attention but as a way of explaining what it's like to close a beloved store. There's not much written about this sort of thing but my store deserved to have it's story told.

Here is where it starts - 
http://thefinal90days.blogspot.com/2014/07/what-its-about-introduction.html

 

My shop's final story has now been shared across many

social sites. You can find it by searching 

keyword/hashtag #thefinal90. Thanks for reading.

Cleaning out a storage unit June 4th, 2015

I'm heading to a shop in a small town near me today to sell off some of the things I held onto. There isn't ever going to be another retail store for me and six months later I'm trying to remember why I held onto all this anyway. 

My van is loaded up with merchandise that someone will look at and possibly make an offer on. The store is one I've visited plenty of time and shopped at - one which maybe ten years ago began as just a tiny little space and grew into a beautifully showcased retail emporium that it is today. I'm glad to know these people planned well and made their dream come true but I can't stop thinking and wondering where I went wrong with mine. 

So much love, effort, hard work and dedication poured into my shop for all those years is now boiling down to a storage unit of stuff which needs to be sold, donated or just thrown away. The dream is over and insane as it may sound, six months later it hurts as much as it did in October of last year. I'm not letting go gracefully I guess.

 

 

Six months later

Sometimes things have a funny way if sneaking up on you. I remember the first time I went grocery shopping after closing my store in October of last year. I recall thinking it was my first time in an independently owned store, no longer as a small business owner, and it felt strange to no longer be "one of them".

Tonight its six months later and I'm lost. The job search isn't going so well and I can't find my place. Maybe it's because I haven't made peace with closing that door yet - for the last half a year it's been absent from my life but now here it is just before Memorial weekend. All the small business owners t hat I know are working late, getting prepared and being the captains of small ships on the sea of enterprise. 

My ship doesn't sail there anymore and while I've struggled to come to terms with the end of a 19 year run, somehow I thought it would be easier to move on. I miss my little shop; my customers; being good at what I did and loving it so much. I guess when you've had all that,  feeling lost is to be expected. I'm not sure where I go from here. 

Missing what was

I am missing my business so much lately. The only place where I came alive for one of the only times in my life, is gone and it feels like I've lost a piece of my soul.

I loved the customers, the kids, the strangers who turned into friends, our conversations and the dream. Because five months later that's what it's fading into; just a dream. I will likely never be a small business owner again because it's becoming clear to me that fear of failure and loss a second time is something I can't risk. To lose a part of my heart after 19 years is something I'm still struggling to grasp.....how I let so much time slip away while on the wrong path.

Finding a job is proving to be much harder than I'd thought and the silence of what's gone just echos around me now. It's spring; there should be excitement for a new season; plans being made and instead there is silence. I let what most refer to as the best years of one's life fade away doing what amounted to nothing and now the emptiness is crushing me.

I wish I could hit replay but it's too late. The piece that completed me is missing and while a shadow is still looking for a job, what made me jump put of bed in the mornings full of enthusiasm to get to work has died. Finally I can say that perhaps it would have been better if I'd never been a small retail shop owner. There is a sadness in my life that I can't fill.

I've lost a piece of my soul

The weather just began getting warmer a few days ago. I'm feeling as if I should be cleaning; getting the store ready to reopen for the upcoming summer season; placing merchandise orders and building new displays, but that's now part of my past. For the last nineteen years all those things took place in March and April, and now for the first time there is an empty space.

I'm looking for a job, and have been ever since the shop closed. I didn't expect to find much available during the winter but now that many businesses are gearing up for the summer there should be plenty of options. Maybe I'll have to work some weekends but likely not all, and that's something most people would want, rather than working every Saturday and Sunday for months as I've done. A day off will likely be a "normal consideration" so the crushing non-stop schedule that had become routine throughout the summer is behind me. There are some great little businesses, amusement parks, and attractions around here and if I'm lucky I'll get to work for some of the long-time local owners....

What I can't find is my passion. That thing that makes you want to jump out of bed in the morning is gone, and along with it, the inspiration that used to flow from  my fingertips as I created art out of odd things and strange items. To me it seemed like magic when it happened - and given that the ability to create and make things had only come to me in the last five years - it was magic. Only in the last several years was a fragmented brain able to function normally, and with it came this incredible sense of being able to carry an idea or a concept for a sculpture or piece of art - for the first time in my life. Before then? I was a shop owner yes, but after struggling for years was still unable to keep focused enough to actually build something....what grew inside of me then now appears to have died with the store.

Even this series of posts and articles, which during the final 90 days was something I craved to write, has become so difficult. What used to pour out of my heart and mind, so urgently in fact that I'd need to capture my feelings by furiously typing on my phone, has fallen silent. The words are labored and no longer run freely, with this being the first time in months that I'm writing. Caught off guard at seeing some old advertising materials and photos of my shop from the past, I'm somehow brought back to this blog today. But what I want is the ability to feel whole again - not just for a fleeting moment - but to have that peace in my spirit.


I have lost a piece of my soul.

Five weeks later.

I'm finally admitting how much I miss this. It seemed I would have posted sooner but the words wouldn't come, and perhaps I was trying to think about moving on instead of looking back. But the honeymoon stage that was new-found freedom from working seven days a week has faded. For the first time in two decades we could accept weekend invitations; sleep in on Saturday and not have to rush out of church on Sundays to open the shop, but that faded fast.

I miss my store, the people, my customers. It seems my creativity that grew there and turned into pieces of art is gone. It will return some time probably, but for now my soul is as empty as a birdcage with an occupant that has left.

My sweet senior friend Miss Doris must have come down to the beach this fall as she always does, but we didn't get to catch up this year. I wonder if her cancer is still in remission. We always had such long, meaningful talks about major events in one's life such as illness, loss, and holding onto hope. She loves her grandchildren so very much and I loved seeing her eyes sparkle when she told me about their latest school events and adventures. Miss Doris isn't part of my life anymore; she wasn't in the shop over the summer so I never got a chance to tell her goodbye or exchange addresses.

So many things I'm experiencing differently now that my life has changed. On November 14th I went to the grocery store for the first time as an unemployed citizen, no longer a small business owner. November 18th was the first church meeting that I attended since April, before the summer season began, and a Thanksgiving without customers and a busy weekend seemed hollow to me.

Silently, one by one, these things tell me that I loved something too much. It's all going to turn into just a memory soon, and those years when my soul came alive and for the first time in my life I was happier than I'd ever been, will fade. It feels as if the snow globe that was my world has shattered. I loved being a part of your lives.

The excitement of having your own small business....

Ahh....the adventure of stepping out on your own as an independent business owner. I remember.

There is nothing quite like the excitement of doing this, as no class can prepare you for all the balls that you will need to learn how to juggle or the numerous tasks and responsibilities that they fail to mention to you in school. It is an adventure all it's own; one that people often view as a leap of faith or a defining moment in one's life. There will be the highs and the lows and the worry, but at the end of the day you may turn the key in a door that is yours and yours alone. 

You might be the captain of a ship on the tumultuous seas, or just one single person in a tiny boat, frantically rowing to keep up with the rushing current. There will be struggle and second-guessing and incredibly long hours as you work to prove yourself, and there might be the sweet taste of success that eludes so many - yes, it may be yours! And if you truly care about doing what's right and standing up for your principles, be prepared, since those choices sometimes come at a cost. It is an experience like no other, but keep in mind; should you grow tired or stale or disillusioned, that there is nothing quite like the pain of having to let go of a dream.....I hope for you that never happens.

Never stop growing; reaching; improving.  I wish you well on your journey

#independent #business #owner #smallretailer #localshop #adventure #thefinal90 #mystoreisclosed #after35years #finallyclosing #beloved #local #store #loveyourlocal #smallbusinessmatters #wereclosed #since1979 #endofanera

I'm out.

The last few display pieces have been picked up and the final items are in storage. I'm on day two of trying to process that I'm unemployed, have nothing that is truly mine and that I've said goodbye to what I loved.

To those of you who supported and loved this shop, it was an honor to have you as customers and friends. I will miss being part of your summer vacations, seeing your families and chatting each year with so many of you that I came to know.

Thank you for this time of my life. I will remember you forever.

No longer a small business owner

It's just about over. A few things remain in the store that were to be picked up or taken away and that should be done by tomorrow.

There's a faded window sign proclaiming the very best in old-fashioned candies and sweets lying on the floor by the door, and a few stacks of glass shelving sitting against the wall.

What used to be my store now has an echo, something I knew would happen and yet pretended not to notice over the last few weeks. When my friend two doors down closed her shop last month I went in towards the end and the hollowness was there. I couldn't stand it. I had gone in to be supportive of her closing and yet the echo made it hard for me to pay attention or stay long. I knew my shop would be next.

This has been the hardest thing I've ever done. Not just the saying goodbye, or searching for a new direction or letting go of the dream, but physically also. Serious lack of planning and dragging my feet didn't help but I'd also underestimated the amount of work and time it would take to sort, donate, sell, set aside and pack up 19 years of memories. Running several days beyond the date I was officially to be out wasn't planned but it just worked out that way.

By tomorrow I should be finished and will place the  keys in an envelope and drop them into the slot for the landlord. I'm no longer able to say I'm a small business owner. The time has come to move on.

November 4th

Today is the final day of this process. It has to be since I'm beyond exhausted, very stressed and several days late on this whole moving process. Yes, I seriously underestimated the amount of work and am paying for that mistake but I think I can swing it to be finished by tonight.

But first I have a dentist appointment then packing up for another trip to storage,  another day of hoping I don't get a ticket for expired tags on my car, and somehow finding time to go vote.

I need an end to this and sincerely hope today's the day.

What if I can't write anymore?

I wanted desperately to write one of the last posts on this blog from here, in this store where so much has happened. I'm trying not to give in to the ridiculous idea that it only took place here and may never again; because what I have learned to say on a screen came from my heart once my  mind mended.

That's something I should be able to keep, cultivate and continue no matter where I am. I say that and try to believe it but a piece of me silently asks, what if this place where you healed, stepped out of the shadows and into the light - what if the loss of so many things that were so important suddenly pulls one of the legs out from under the table? Yes, tables can and do stand on three legs but only when they were made that way; not when they came to depend upon a fourth.

I can't think like that. I have to take the good and the bad from this experience and go on to set this old laptop on another counter or table or desk and let the words out. It's not fair to let myself think it's over just because I'll be sitting somewhere different.

I hope that somehow before Monday night I can sit here in this now-silent shell of a store and once again pour my heart out. I'm so afraid the words will come to a halt when I leave here; I just want to stay tonight and write. And remember. And keep loving the piece of my life that matters so much to me that it's stinging my eyes and running down my cheeks again.

90 days was up at midnight

I didn't make it. Despite working non-stop all week I wasn't able to have everything packed up and out by Friday night.

Yes, the sorting and decisions and memories overwhelmed me and progress was slow - much slower than I'd anticipated. And as I noticed my hesitation and inability to let go, toss or keep, it dawned on me that perhaps maintaining a shop of this size had become more than I could gracefully handle.

Two folks who were unable to come and pick up several large items left me scrambling and  when I wrenched my back Thursday night I realized it wasn't going to happen. I got an extension until Monday and after a day of rest am back for another 12-14 hours.

I don't appreciate the nagging feeling in my head that keeps pointing out I've become easily overwhelmed like this more than a few times in the last couple of years. Maybe since  losing my employees four years ago when my workman's comp policy increased (by six times the previous rate), I'd been so alone with this amount of work that things had become more difficult for me.

Maybe I had changed and simply didn't have what it took anymore. In any case I've got a new deadline which will be day 93 since I gave notice.


I've got a lot to do and I'd love to slap that annoying little feeling buzzing around my head which reminds me that perhaps I HAVE slipped a little; lost my edge maybe. It's good I have a lot of hours ahead to be thinking this over.

A picture of how we looked earlier this year....the way so many of my customers knew this place and loved it.

        

My last few days

A lot of learning to let go this week....some of it I'm failing miserably at. I know that one day I will look back on this experience and realize it was just time, that the dream, this passion and great love of my life are over. But right now I keep thinking I will wake up and it won't be really happening.

What goodbye looks like....

Freeze frame feeling

I've fallen into a crazy state of sluggishness this week, almost as if I don't believe this is happening.  Granted, I am fighting hard to look ahead and take some good things away from this experience and per my post from yesterday, perhaps it's time to focus less on the loss and more on the positive. But right now I'm totally overwhelmed by the rush to sort, pack, throw away and have everything ready for the movers on Thursday.


Given my panic it's a shame I didn't plan better but it feels that the world is in slow motion and I'm barely moving. I have to get this done and so I'm here for another 12-14 hours today....still feeling like I'm trapped in a damaged video, the kind we used to encounter years ago. I'm in that minute as everything starts to blur and slow down to frame-by-frame movement as the VCR grinds to a stop.

#lastdays #storeclosed #momandpopclosing #independentretailer #movingon  #thefinal 90 #deathofasmallbusiness #endofanera #finallyclosed #after35years #itsover #timelapse #closedforever #momandpopclosed #itsablur

Perhaps it is how you look at things....

Maybe I'm not looking hard enough for the good stuff. I recently started following another blog, one that couldn't be more different from my lifestyle and yet it captivated me. I'm not sure how I came across Liz since I seem to have trouble finding sites on Blogger that are what I think I'm trying to find. But perhaps what I needed was to learn about this view of life so maybe it WAS what I'd been looking for.

My life and writing couldn't be more different from hers if I'd sat down and tried to be 180° the other way. It speaks to me of finding joy, appreciating life and loving every minute we are given. I may have been missing the whole point of what life experiences teach us and yet, reading snippets of  someone else's journey could be opening my eyes to a new world.

As an exercise to myself I thought I'd look again at the the post I wrote late last night but didn't publish. I wonder if by focusing on the dark and troubling parts, I'm actually limiting what I let myself see. And in the light of today's astonishingly beautiful weather, the dim view I had on my life's current events seemed perhaps too mournful. What if I'm focusing so hard on my loss that I can't see anything else and thus am missing the whole point of this experience?

There are some photos on my phone that I've taken and I'm going to look for the one that I think is the most beautiful. That's what I will post here today instead of something about my business. Then I'm going to go think about this.

P.S. I loved this photo of an unusual swirling cloud pattern towards sunset last week but didn't post it. Why? Because there are power lines in it - and real professionals don't make stupid mistakes like that. So I let perfectionism dampen the beauty I thought I saw....?

#findingthelight #thankful #appreciatelife #beauty #joy #Iamtrying #learningtoletgo #thefinal90 #freetofly #lookforthebrightspot #seebeauty #lettinggo #learningtofly #endofanera #finalchapter #lossofsmallbusiness

The weekend is over

I called it an hour early. I couldn't take the comments about "I knew you were here but this is my first time in this shop in 20 years or "I bet you can't wait to get out of here and retire".....as if I look 25 years older than I am and with retirement on my list. Most days I have thicker skin but right now everything about this hurts and I had to just close the door. This has been my life for so many years and today my heart is breaking.


Just posted: "Folks, it's over. We will be closing in just a few minutes. I can't thank those of you who came in this weekend enough but it's time. I have loved being a part of your lives, vacations and families and will miss you so much. Thank you."


I'm trying to catch my breath and I can't.

#wehaveclosed #itsover #thefinal90  #closedforever #belovedshop #lettinggo #confectionery #over #myhearthurts #smallstoregone #ihaveloved #tryingtobreathe #finalday #endofmystory #heartbroken #missingyoualready #lastday

My last Saturday has ended.

What an amazing day. So many people came in the store to say goodbye and purchase items for the last time. I heard phrases like "you meant so much to the community" and "thank you for being here all this time. We have loved making this shop a part of our visits."

A few people had tears in their eyes while saying goodbye and knowing that I wanted to preserve this day in my mind I tried to take as many pictures as possible. It's not "just" the closing of a store that is happening, it's a place that many people cared about.

I don't really think the waterproof makeup held up too well. But that's all right because it means I was able to say goodbye to the things and people who  mattered. And yes, a few of those tears were when these stunning flowers arrived from a lovely friend, perhaps the most beautiful ones I've ever seen. What a day. I am so lucky to have had something I loved so much.

#thefinal90 #smallbusinessclosing #35years #finally #beloved #local #shop #iamsolucky #momandpop#whatitslike #losingourindependents #livelocalsupportlocal #Americanmade

My final Saturday

My final Saturday as a small business owner begins.

I'm never going to consider myself less of a person simply because I will work for someone else in the future; it just won't ever be the same. I've loved having the ability to educate, inform and share the message of buying American made products. So many of my customers appreciate that and return because there are standards here and they don't have to question what they purchase.

Sadly, a large segment of those shoppers are older - they are the ones who "get it" when the younger generation  - even those with children couldn't care less. I wish I'd been able to reach them but after all this time I couldn't. This chapter has ended for me and it's time to give up the pursuit. I can't help feeling a little disappointed that there will be one less voice speaking up for the American manufacturers, producers and even local artists who's work we carried. American made products. So many of my customers appreciate that and return because there are standards here and they don't have to question what they are purchasing.

#Americanmade #quality #standards #manufacturing # confectionery #thefinal90 #buyAmerican #standforsomething #principles #MadeInTheUSA #lackofsupport #smallbusiness #sweetshop #belovedicon #local #community #pennycandy #smallstore

Another chance today

I was able to tell a bit of my story today, to a news reporter and a very large black camera. That's not something normal for me but I'm appreciative that they thought it mattered enough to send someone out.


In the brief amount of time however when asked to sum up what this all meant; how it feels to be closing and what my thoughts are, I fumbled for the right words. How do you pack all that into just a few minutes? And yet, perhaps what I blurted out is what matters the most to me; something to the effect of "when you do business locally you connect with your community which is something no big box store could ever offer". A comment or two about having standards, principles and doing what's right echoed the choices I've made not to sell unknown products made in china but to stand by the American companies which continue to struggle.


Hopefully the message somehow comes across on the news today at 6pm. I came home and looked for confirmation of what this blog may have done and I'm not sure I see that. This blog never gathered a crowd or set the world on fire, but perhaps it mattered to just a few people. Searching for the hashtag #thefinal90 gave me this colorful collection of graphics and images which have accompanied my journey and somehow, that made me feel better. I did what I set out to do; spread a message across various forms of social media and if no one cared, that's out of my hands. The words and the thoughts and the dedication to small businesses everywhere is there. I just hope someone reads it who connects with something that was written.

#finalchapter #smallshop #closing #afterdecades #ihaveloved #community #localicon #thefinal90 #sayinggoodbye #deathofasmallbusiness #momandpopcloses #losing #local #shops #almostover #cornerstore #familiarshop