But last night it hit me as I followed a usual Sunday evening routine for us, stopping on the way home to pick up a pizza for dinner; this IS it. My final summer in my own shop is approaching the end and I will likely never again be the captain of my own ship, so to speak. Today I'm doing the equivalent of curling up in a ball and trying to block everything out. While outside a gorgeous beach day unfolds, I'm sitting at the counter that used to be a deli counter icebox in a general store; a massive wooden beast of a fixture estimated to weigh upwards of a ton. The icebox sections on either side of the display case with very thick glass front and top, are lined with metal and have small drains in the bottom of them for the water to run out. It's to me a relic of another small business, perhaps several, which once upon a time used it in another shop. And it's one of the pieces I have to let go of.
I gave my 90 days notice to the landlord on Saturday but had not actually come face to face in conversation until yesterday. The exchange went as might have been expected but left me feeling more hollow when there seemed to be no sadness or regret hearing my news. What did I expect? A place I've poured money into for the last 19 years seemed uninterested that I'd be leaving - oh, there was a standard sort of comment about "you've been a tenant for a long time huh?", said in a distant tone of voice that seemed un-bothered.
But to me this goodbye is so much more, a statement that almost sounds trivial with the sadness I'm experiencing. Haunted by a feeling of unease the last day or two, this morning I finally narrowed down something that is causing me additional discomfort; confirmation of something I've suspected for a few years. Sure, sometimes having our thoughts proven or validated seems like a good thing, but in this case it almost laughs in my face because I saw and felt it previously and yet tried to ignore it. To be continued.....
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